Relationship red flags

Controlling your decisions – where you go, what you spend your money on, who you see, how you dress, what you share or look at on social media, or the daily choices you make.    
 
Putting you down – discouraging you from following your goals or dreams, making you feel like your problems aren’t important, blaming you for things that go wrong in your lives.  

Dealing with conflict and disagreements badly – either giving you the “silent treatment” and not talking to you, or yelling and shouting, or refusing to listen or talk about how you feel.  
 
Lovebombing – where someone shows their emotions early in the relationship and wants to move the relationship forward very fast. They might give you lots of presents, compliments, gestures, want to spend all your time together, and say “I love you” very quickly. Once they have gained your trust, they often use the gifts, gestures, and compliments to control you or make you feel as though you owe them something. 
 
Unpredictable moods and behaviours – this feels like “walking on eggshells” – you’re never quite sure how they are going to react to something you do or say, and so you find yourself avoiding conversations or trying not to make them upset or angry by not doing the things you want to do.

Find out more about what abusive relationships look like in our This isn't love pamphlet, available to buy or download a pdf copy for free.

Red flags are warning signs that can help you understand if your relationship has become unhealthy. 
  
But it can be tricky to see red flags, especially when you have a strong connection. Sometimes other people – like friends or whānau – tell you about red flags in your relationship, and this can be hard to accept.  
 
Sometimes the person you’re in a relationship with can try to hide red flags. This can be confusing and can make you feel like you’re making a big deal out of nothing.

How do you know if something is a red flag or not?  
 
Sometimes you can’t say exactly what the problem is, but you feel that something’s not right. Talk to someone you trust. Friends, whānau, a school counsellor, or specific organisations can help you talk through any questions or worries you have about your relationship – even if you just want to ask if a behaviour is normal or not. 

Some red flags are individual and depend on what’s important to you. And this might change throughout your life. Every relationship and each person is different, and your red flags might be different in different relationships too.

Some people might consider these red flags:

• spending too much money
• always being late
• not hanging out with your friends 

But for others, these will be less important. 
 
How do you work out what your red flags are?  
 
Start by asking yourself some questions about your own boundaries, what you consider to be red flags, and what would be dealbreakers for you. This can help you navigate your relationships. 
 
Questions to ask yourself: 

• What would you break up with someone over?
• What qualities, traits, and values are important to you in a partner or friend? 
• Think about your past or current relationships and friendships – how do they make you feel safe and cared for? 
• Are there any relationships or friendships that you have ended? Why? What was it about the person or relationship that you didn’t like? Were there any red flags? 
• Think about the people to close to you – what do you admire about their relationships or friendships?  
• Imagine a friend came to you for advice about a relationship or friendship. What signs would you be looking for to show that their relationship or friendship is healthy? And what signs might show that their relationship is unhealthy?  

Noticing the red flags and knowing that they are red flags is the first step to getting help.  
  
Reach out to someone you trust  
Who are people that you can trust and can talk with openly and honestly about your relationship? This could be a friend, whānau, a professional like a doctor, counsellor, teacher, or youth worker, or someone like a friend’s parent. If there is no one in your life that you feel safe to talk to, there are lots of organisations that can give confidential, free, non-judgemental advice. Telling your trusted person or organisation what’s going on and asking for help can help you feel supported and less alone.  
  
Talk to the person about it (if it’s safe) 
It can be helpful to talk to the person about the behaviours or red flags you’ve noticed. It may be that they don’t realise how their behaviours are affecting you or they may think that what they are doing is normal.  
 
Having a calm conversation, asking some questions, and openly talking about how you feel, and setting some boundaries can be a good way to approach it.  Giving them a heads-up by letting them know that you’d like to have a chat about your relationship later on is a great idea too.  
 
But this isn't right for everyone. You might not feel ready to talk about this yet. And that’s OK. Or you might have decided to end the relationship and don’t want to have this conversation. That’s OK too. Or you might be afraid of how the person will react.  

If you feel unsafe at any time, reach out for support. There are organisations that can help. 

Think about your own wellbeing 
When relationships become difficult, it can be easy to forget to take care of yourself.  Sometimes, your relationship might be all you can think about. Taking care of your body, your mind, your spiritual wellbeing and making sure you are connecting with friends, whānau, and people that care about you can make a big difference to how you feel.   
  
Consider the future of your relationship  
Think about the red flags that you’ve noticed. Are they red flags that usually lead to abusive and unhealthy relationships? This could be the controlling behaviours we talked about above or it could be behaviours that try and keep you separated from other friends or your family. Or are they red flags that you personally have identified as dealbreakers? Or maybe they’re a mix of both?   
  
If they are red flags that we know usually lead to abusive and unhealthy relationships, it’s important to ask for support. There are organisations that can help you put together a plan to keep you safe, whether you are staying or leaving. This might involve giving you another phone, planning out escape routes in your house, or offering you counselling or therapy. 
  
If they are personal red flags, are they still dealbreakers? Is it something you and your partner are willing to work through? Do you want to continue the relationship? If it’s safe to do so, it’s ok to take some time to think about the future of your relationship, to talk with your partner, and to get support. If you decide that the red flags are something you can’t get past, it’s ok to end the relationship. There are no rules about how many red flags there needs to be, or how “bad” a relationship needs to get before ending it. It’s your choice.  

It’s important that the person you’re in a relationship or friendship with feels, safe, supported, and free to be themselves. And you should too. If that’s not happening, you might be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. 
 
How you behave and treat your friends and partners is often learnt through what you’ve seen growing up, or from social media and TV. You might learn positive behaviours, like being respectful and kind. Or you might learn negative behaviours, like trying to control someone’s choices or yelling at them when they don’t agree with you.  
 
If you’re showing red flags – or behaving in a way that makes the other person feel unsafe, unsupported, or unable to be themselves – reach out to someone you trust. This could be a friend, whānau member, or a professional like a doctor, counsellor, teacher, or youth worker. If there is no one in your life that you feel safe to talk to, there are organisations that can give confidential, free, non-judgemental advice. Telling your trusted person or organisation what’s going on and asking for help can help you feel supported to make positive changes.  

If you want more information about healthy and unhealthy relationships, or feel unsafe, the following organisations can help:

• Are you OK, and its 24-hour helpline 0800 456 450, provides advice and support for people in unsafe relationships

• Love Better has information about safe, positive, and equal relationships

• Lovecreep has information about controlling behaviours in relationships

• Man Alive provides counselling services and programmes to support men and boys to strengthen their relationships

• OutLine is a rainbow support organisation with an evening helpline 0800 688 5463

• Shakti, and its helpline 0800 742 584, provides support for refugee and migrant women

• Tika is free, safe, and supported way for survivors of sexual harm to seek justice. It's available for people aged 18 and above

• Women's Refuge, and its 24-hour helpline 0800 733 843, supports women and children experiencing family violence

• YouthLine, and its 24-helpline 0800 376 633 (also available via social media) provides free, confidential support for young people