Effective engagement

How rough sex is experienced by young people depends on factors such as the relationship, expectations, level of force, and the presence or absence of communication, consent, or care.

Harmful experiences often involve confusion around consent, boundaries, or harm. Young people can consent to rough sex and still experience fear, injury, or regret, and may minimise these experiences because they consented, or because they view rough sex as "normal.”

• Consider the unique context of each young person’s experience

• Validate harmful experiences to help young people recognise harm and accept support

• Focus on the impact of their experience, not just the acts that occurred

• Avoid focusing on the presence or absence of injury

Young people may feel hesitant about discussing rough sex or seeking care for harmful experiences, due to uncertainty, shame, or fear about being misunderstood.

A shame-free, positive, and informed approach helps build trust and rapport, so young people feel comfortable discussing their experiences and seeking support.

• Use neutral, non-judgemental, and shame-free language

• Be empathetic, positive, and curious

• Reflect on your own views and assumptions about rough sex and how these might impact your care

• Use terms that are familiar and relevant to the young person

• Avoid making assumptions about partners, types of sex, or power dynamics within rough sex

• Be mindful that takatāpui and rainbow young people may face additional barriers to discussing harmful experiences

  • Learn more about takatāpui and rainbow communities

  • Learn more about support and recovery services for Takatāpui and Rainbow survivors of sexual harm

Young people's experiences of harmful rough sex often present differently.

Some young people experience significant physical injury with little emotional distress, while others can experience profound emotional harm with little or no physical injury. Rough sex can also affect different aspects of a young person's hauora, including their physical, mental, social, and/or spiritual wellbeing.

• Listen to a young person’s individual experiences and perspectives

• Be guided by the young person’s presentation and needs

• Avoid making assumptions about what constitutes "harm"

• Model respect for diversity and adapt your approach to meet individual needs

• Some young people, such as takatāpui, rainbow, and disabled young people, may face barriers to accessing services

• Offer tailored support, such as a choice of practitioners or relevant services where available

Social and sexual norms, pressures, and expectations often shape young people’s understandings of rough sex.

Knowledge gaps about rough sex are common. Most young people learn about it through peers, social media, or porn, and may not have discussed it outside of these contexts.

• Encourage informed decision-making by providing accurate, up-to-date information

• Explore their beliefs and social influences around rough sex, and how these fit with a young person's own values and ideas

• Address rough sex myths and misinformation

• Affirm a young person's right to choose their own sexual preferences and boundaries

• Reinforce that healthy sexual experiences are consensual, respectful, and pleasurable

Culture shapes how young people understand, experience, and talk about sex and relationships, including rough sex.

Any rough sex conversations or care should be culturally safe and mana-enhancing.

• Create spaces where young people can engage without judgement, racism, stereotyping, racialisation, or discrimination

• Be mindful that experiences of racism, colonisation, or culturally unsafe care can affect trust, disclosure, and engagement

• Be responsive to the young person's cultural identity, values, beliefs. Consider referral to kaupapa Māori or Pasifika services

• Learn about concepts such as whakawhanaungatanga, and frameworks that can guide care

• Include these tips on cultural safety before any sensitive conversations.