Consent, harm recognition, and help-seeking

Consent in the context of rough sex is often complex. While, in principle, consenting to rough sex should prevent harm, young people report that in practice, harmful rough sex experiences are often accompanied by confusion and uncertainty about consent.

Even where varying forms of consent are given, a young person can feel that rough sex was not safe, wanted, or freely chosen.

For example, when:

• Consent is given for sex – and one partner assumes this implies consent for rough sex, despite the other partner not wanting or expecting it

• Consent is given for rough sex – but partners have different understandings of what constitutes rough sex, and/or don’t discuss specific acts, limits, or intensity. This can result in acts that are unexpected, unwanted, or harmful

• Consent is given for rough sex – but it becomes painful, frightening, or distressing, and a partner feels too afraid, "prude/vanilla" or ashamed to withdraw

Consenting to rough sex should also be understood within the context of contemporary youth sexual culture and through the lens of "social coercion".

Young people may engage in rough sex without explicit pressure yet still be influenced by dominant sociocultural norms. As rough sex is increasingly reinforced as "normal", "pleasurable" and "acceptable", young people may feel pressure to engage, limiting their perceived sense of choice or ability to negotiate rough sex even when it isn’t wanted or enjoyed. As a result, they may consent to rough sex, while still experiencing it as unwanted, harmful, or distressing.

Young people may minimise or normalise harmful rough sex experiences, or struggle to recognise or articulate harm – particularly when rough sex is perceived as normal, expected, or desirable, or when some form of consent was given.

Acknowledging a harmful experience may also occur at a later time, through reflection, conversations with peers or counsellors, or if trauma responses such as fear, distress, or triggering emerge.

These can minimise unwanted experiences and make them harder to acknowledge.

Confusion around consent and difficulties recognising harm can make disclosure and help-seeking more difficult following harmful rough sex. There may also be additional barriers related to a young person’s circumstances, relationships, and social context.

For example:

When rough sex occurs within an established sexual relationship

Young people may minimise their experiences, have difficulty acknowledging harm, or be reluctant to disclose concerns because it occurred with a trusted partner.

Increased vulnerability to coercion or additional communication barriers

Some young people with adverse childhood experiences, autism, disabilities, or additional support needs may be more vulnerable to coercion and/or face additional challenges communicating or seeking help for harmful rough sex experiences.

When harmful rough sex occurs among takatāpui and rainbow people

These young people may already experience stigma or judgement relating to their sexuality or gender, which can create additional barriers to disclosure. Some may also believe their experiences do not fit legal, societal, or stereotypical understandings of sexual violence or that they won’t be taken seriously. Sexual violence between women can also be minimised due to misconceptions that violence between women is less harmful. Together, these factors can contribute to fears of further judgement and discrimination, making help-seeking for harmful rough sex difficult.