Rough sex

Rough sex can mean different things to different people. It’s often used to talk about sexual acts and experiences that are seen as rough, including:

• Spanking

• Biting

• Hitting

• Name calling

• Role-playing forced sex

• Aggressive anal/oral sex

• Slapping

• Sexual “choking” (or strangulation)

People have rough sex for lots of different reasons. You might wonder what it’s like or if you and your sexual partner or partners will enjoy it. But some people feel pressured to have rough sex even if it’s not really what they want.

Rough sex isn’t a new thing, but it’s shown and talked about more in the media – especially in porn and on social media. But this doesn’t usually show what rough sex is like for most people in real life.

In real life:

• Good sexual experiences – including rough sex – are much more than the sexual acts. It’s also about talking, consent, using protection and lube

• Not everyone wants to have rough sex

• Some people think they might like rough sex – but change their mind

• People often decide they want to do some rough sex acts but not others

Pressuring or forcing someone into any kind of sex – including rough sex – is never okay. Before you move from one sexual act to another, make sure that everyone is comfortable and wants to keep going.

It’s up to you to decide if you want to have rough sex. Knowing about risks, red flags, how to stay safe, and what to expect from rough sex, means you can make an informed choice.

When I think about having sex, what does the experience look and feel like?

• What do I think would feel good?

• What makes me feel uncomfortable?

• Are there certain sexual acts I’d like to try and others that I wouldn’t?

How do I feel when I think about rough sex?

• Curious, excited, unsure, nervous, worried, pressured?

• Are rough sex acts something that I’m naturally drawn to? Or do I think a good sexual experience wouldn’t need to be rough?

Do I know enough about rough sex to decide on whether it’s something I really want to do?

• Do I know about the risks and how to keep safe?

• Do I have any other questions?

Do I enjoy having rough sex? Or do I do it because...

• I think I need to do it for my partner

• I don’t want to be seen as “vanilla”

• I think it’s normal

Can I talk to my sexual partner or partners about:

• How I feel

• What I’m comfortable with

• What we want from the experience

Do I identify with the kink or BDSM community? Would I like to explore this more? 

• You can talk to a trusted person or professional

• Or find out more about kink and BDSM from In the know or the Burnett Foundation

Thinking about these questions and talking about them with a partner or person you trust can help you figure out how you really feel about rough sex. If you’re unsure about whether rough sex is for you, it’s ok to think it through more or talk to your sexual partner or partners about other ways to have sex that everyone is comfortable with.

Knowing the risks of rough sex can help you decide if you want to do it, what to look out for, and how to keep safe.

Rough sex can affect different people’s hauora (wellbeing) in different ways.

Rough sex usually involves more force or intensity. This can cause injuries and health issues both now and later. This can include:

• Genital tears

• Infections

• Long-lasting pain

• Head injuries

• Brain injuries

Read more about the dangers of “choking” or sexual strangulation

Rough sex can harm your mental wellbeing, especially if:

• It was unwanted, unexpected, or frightening

• It was painful

• Consent wasn’t given

• Boundaries weren’t respected

Rough sex can impact your spiritual wellbeing, especially if the experience doesn’t fit with your own personal and cultural beliefs and views on healthy sex and relationships. It can affect:

• Mana, dignity, sense of self

• Connection to core values

Rough sex can impact on relationships, including:

• A loss of trust

• Reduced stability

• Affecting how someone experiences sex and connection in the long-term

• Whānau relationships

Sexual “choking”* or sexual strangulation is pressing or squeezing someone’s neck, affecting their breathing and stopping oxygen from getting to the brain.

There’s no safe way to choke someone.

Any time the brain is without oxygen or blood, even for a few seconds, can cause injury and serious health issues. People can even die. Sexual strangulation can lead to:

• Headaches

• Memory loss

• Anxiety

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Brain injury

The more sexual strangulation happens, the greater the risk of long-term damage.

Sometimes injuries from sexual choking aren’t obvious right away. People might notice they feel unwell a while after they were choked.

If you’ve been sexually choked, it’s a good idea to talk to a health professional as soon as you can.

*People often call this “choking”, but this isn’t technically correct. We’ve used the words choking, sexual choking, and sexual strangulation here.

More about choking on In the know

Rough sex isn’t illegal. But having sex with someone who hasn’t given consent is illegal.

With rough sex, a partner might think that because someone has consented and agreed to sex, they are also agreeing to rough sex acts – like choking, biting, or aggressive oral sex. But this might not have been their understanding.

Having sex with someone when they haven’t given clear consent is illegal. This is true for hook-ups, long-term relationships, friends with benefits, and any other situation involving sex.

That’s why it’s so important to communicate before and during sex and make sure everyone consents to each sex act.

“Choking” or sexual strangulation is never safe, even if you consent. Any time that the brain is without oxygen, even for a few seconds, can cause injury and serious health issues.

Risks can’t be completely removed when it comes to rough sex, but the Four Cs can help.

Before you start having sex, talk about:

• What you enjoy

• What you want to try

• Your limits

• What you’re not ok with

• How you’ll check in with each other during sex – including if you want to pause or stop

Look after each other’s hauora (wellbeing) before, during, and after sex.

Before and during, think about:

• Pleasure and what feels good

• Contraception, condoms, and lube

• Making sure the space and the experience feels comfortable, respectful, and safe for everyone

After, check in:

• Was it enjoyable?

• How does everyone feel about it?

• Is there discomfort, pain, or injury – and does this need medical help?

Getting consent before and during sex is essential. Make sure that consent is:

• Freely given (there’s no pressure, guilt, or forcing)

• Reversible (they can change their mind at any time)

• Informed (they know what they’re agreeing to, including the risks)

• Enthusiastic (they’re 100% into it)

• Specific (they freely consent to each specific sexual act. This means you need to get consent every time to change to a new sexual act)

Someone can’t give consent if they are asleep, drunk, high, or are out of it – even if they say or indicate “yes” in some way.

Look out for signs of harm (like injury, bleeding, or passing out) or distress (like freezing, pulling away, or shutting down).

Stop if something feels off.

If you’re unsure whether someone still wants to continue, stop and check in. If you’re still unsure, stop.

Seek medical help from a nurse or doctor if you’re worried or if sexual choking has happened (even if you or they feel ok).

Lots of people find that rough sex isn’t for them – especially if they’re expecting it to be like they see online or in porn. It might have been unexpected, unwanted, frightening, or confusing. And if it’s with a partner that you like and trust, it can be hard to process.

There are free, confidential services that can help talk it through whenever you’re ready.

• Safe to talk has a 24/7 sexual harm helpline

• Are you ok has a 24/7 helpline for people experiencing family violence

• Tika is a free service where people aged 18 and over can report sexual harm and seek justice