Harm prevention

Information statement

We talk about rough sex as a routine part of sexual wellbeing care to help keep people safe and informed.

Question prompt

Would it be okay if we talked about this?

Information statement

Rough sex can mean different things to different people. The term can describe a range of different sexual acts like choking, spanking, biting, hitting, name-calling, forced sex, aggressive oral sex, or slapping. It can describe acts that are playful and consensual, or acts that are considered sexual assault.

Question prompt

• What do you know about rough sex?

• Where do you learn about it, and what does the term mean to you?

• What term do you use?

Information statement

Rough sex, by nature, is more “risky” sex – so learning about the risks can help people make informed and safe decisions. When rough sex occurs outside a safe, informed, and fully consensual context, it can affect our hauora (wellbeing), including the following harms:

Tinana (physical): Genital, facial, internal, abdominal, or musculoskeletal injuries.

Wairua (spiritual): Impacts on dignity, mana, confidence, spiritual wellbeing, or sense of self.

Hinengaro (emotional): Feelings of distress, shame, degradation, fear, confusion, or being triggered.

Whānau (social): Impacts on trust, safety, connection, and security in relationships. There can also be legal consequences if serious physical harm occurs.

Question prompt

• What have you heard about the risks with rough sex?

• Would you like me to share the risks with you?

• Do you have any questions on these risks?

Information statement

Some people practice sexual strangulation as part of rough sex. Choking is termed "sexual strangulation" and is particularly risky, as there’s no safe way to choke someone.

Question prompt

• Is sexual choking something you’ve come across or have heard about?

• Would you like some more information on it?

• Do you have any questions about it?

Information statement

It's common to see rough sex online now. The more aggressive acts are usually directed at women and younger or more feminine or vulnerable-looking partners, and it looks like they enjoy it. In real life, many people don’t enjoy sex that includes aggressive and violent acts.

Just because it's common online doesn't mean we have to like or try rough sex. Part of exploring what you want and like sexually includes thinking about how the type of sex you want fits with your own views about sex, pleasure, gender, and relationships.

Question prompt

• Have you thought about how rough sex sits with your own sexual ideas and views?

• What helps you decide what kind of sex feels right for you?

Information statement

Consent with rough sex needs to be very clear. Some people think general consent to sex includes rough sex acts – even if that isn't their partner's understanding. This can cause unexpected, unwanted, and harmful sexual experiences. To avoid unwanted rough sex, talking about sexual expectations beforehand is important.

Question prompt

• What does consent generally look like with rough sex? i.e., do people ask for specific consent for it? Or do they think about what type of sex is expected before agreeing to sex?

• What would consent for rough sex look like for you?

• Do you feel able to talk to a partner about this? If not, would you like some support with this?

Information statement

Some people describe feeling pressure to try rough sex from peers, from partners, or from social and online influences. Takatāpui, rainbow, trans, and gender-diverse people may feel particular pressure because of stereotypes and expectations. Everyone has a right to decide the type of sex they want and like – without any pressure.

Question prompt

• Have you ever felt pressure to try rough sex or other types of sex you’re not sure about? What do you think is influencing that pressure – and what are your thoughts about that?

• How might you navigate any pressure to try rough sex?

• Do you need any help with this?

Information statement

Sometimes discussing rough sex can raise some confusing feelings or trigger memories of unwanted past experiences. If you or someone you know has had a sexual experience that felt confusing, pressured, or unwanted, we are here to support you. You can also come back and talk about this again if questions come up later.

Question prompt

• Do you have any questions or thoughts about anything we’ve talked about?

• Would you like any more information on services that offer support with unwanted experiences?