Parents aren’t talking about sex – and porn is filling the void
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- Parents aren’t talking about sex – and porn is filling the void
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Many parents aren’t talking to their tamariki and rangatahi about sex. This leaves young people learning about sex and what’s normal from porn, which is increasingly extreme and violent.
The NZ Herald’s Under the Influence programme highlights how porn on social media is shaping young Kiwis' sex lives. And it’s not for the better. It explains that, without parents having conversations with their children about sex or porn, porn has become a default teacher.
If this is where Aotearoa’s young people are learning about sex – what are they learning exactly? And should we be worried?
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Porn is more accessible and more extreme
Not only are children seeing porn earlier – 12 on average, and not just on porn sites, but throughout the web, including on social media. UK research from 2025 found that networking and social media sites accounted for 80% of the main sources by which children accessed porn. NZ therapist, educator, and advocate Dr Jo Robertson says “social media has become the digital storefront for the porn industry”, with young people not needing to seek out porn to be exposed to it.
The porn they’re seeing is also more extreme than their parents might expect. Rough sex and choking are no longer fringe fetishes. This type of sex has become normalised, and along with it, expectations for real-life sexual encounters. As we’ve discussed previously, sexual strangulation rates among rangatahi are increasing, with very real short and long-term health consequences.
Porn doesn’t show consent or safer sex
The Classification Office’s research has found that porn downplays or disregards consent and safer sex practices, with 35% of porn content watched contained some non-consensual behaviour, and only 3% showing condom use.
Porn portrays concerning gender roles
The NZ Youth and Porn report found a concerning portrayal of gender roles in porn, with women more likely to be demeaned, subjected to violence or aggression, and non-consensual behaviour.
How to combat harmful messages in porn
Porn is a part of young people’s lives. So what can parents, whānau and caregivers, teachers, and other professionals working with rangatahi do to counter these harmful messages?
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Learn about rough sex, its risks, and the nuances of consent
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The online landscape and porn are both very different from when today’s parents and teachers were growing up and learning about sex. It’s important to get to grips with what’s going on for young people and the issues they face.
Here are some good places to start:
Sign up to one of our courses to learn how to talk about sexual wellbeing
Browse the Classification Office's resources for parents and caregivers
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Talk to young people about sex, consent, rough sex, and porn
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Talking about sex and porn with young people worries lots of parents and teachers. It can be awkward, and you might be worried that you’ll say the wrong thing or introduce ideas at the wrong time. But it’s better to kōrero and make mistakes than not to talk about it all. Talking shows young people you’re interested in the issues they’re facing – and that you’re someone they can come to if they need help or information.
Some key principles include: be curious, have small conversations often, be non-judgemental.
Watch the video: talking to young people about porn
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Watch the video: talking to young people about consent
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Read our tips for talking to young people
Read the Classification Office's guidance for talking to young people about porn.
To come:
Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa and The Light Project are developing guidance for professionals working with rangatahi on recognising, responding to, and reducing the risks associated with harmful rough sex, which includes sexual strangulation. This is due to be published later this year.
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