Conversations with my three-year-old about gender diversity and identity
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This Transgender Day of Visibility we’re reflecting on how to talk about gender diversity and identity with toddlers and preschoolers – why it’s important and how to do it.
What is Transgender Day of Visibility, and why is it important?
Today, 31 March, is Transgender Day of Visibility. It's a day to celebrate trans pride and awareness – recognising transgender, gender diverse, and non-binary experiences and achievements.
It’s important to celebrate trans pride and awareness because trans people continue to face significant stigma and barriers to accessing healthcare – and in their everyday life. The 2022 Counting Ourselves report found that participants rated their general health much lower than the general population. They were also less likely to report that their doctor was good or very good at involving them in their care and treating them with respect.
Why is it important to talk about gender diversity and identity early?
Research shows that tamariki begin to categorise individuals by gender from the age of one. Gender identity normally develops in stages – from around two or three, many are aware of physical differences, recognise gender stereotypes, and have even established their gender identity.
Tamariki are curious and open-minded. But they take in the stereotypes, attitudes, and perceptions they’re surrounded by – and repeat them. This means it’s important to introduce diverse gender and sexual identities early.
Talking about diversity is important for children who are questioning their gender identity or sex – and for those who are comfortable with their sex assigned at birth. By introducing the idea of a diverse range of gender and sexual identities, you can help tamariki understand how they feel – and how others might feel and be different. And this can create a more inclusive and welcoming environment for all kids to grow up in. A world full of rainbow allies.
Real-life conversations with a three-year-old
The conversations I’ve been having with my three-year-old are what inspired me to write this piece. Conversations that go a little something like this:
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"Mum, Where's your vagina?"
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Lifting up skirt “Mum, where’s your vagina?”
“In my knickers. It’s personal. It’s not okay to lift up my skirt”
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"Kevin is 'she'"
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“No, Mum, Kevin* is ‘she’”
“Oh, okay, sorry, I thought Kevin was ‘he’?”
“No, not anymore.”
*a soft toy koala
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"I don't have boobies"
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“Are all of your toys girls now?”
“Not all. Henry is a boy."
“Okay. What about you?”
“A boy.”
“Why do you think you’re a boy?”
“Because I don’t have boobies.”
“Okay, but little girls don’t have boobies. You get them when you’re older.”
“Like 100?”
“No, younger. Like around 12.”
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These conversations show how funny, open, and curious tamariki can be. But they’re not models or examples. I wish I’d been more inclusive in my answers and said things a little differently. Luckily, parenting is a journey – we’re learning and trying to improve all the time. This article is an attempt to learn how to approach this topic in a more inclusive way – and hopefully to help other parents and whānau along the way.
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How should you talk about gender diversity and identity with young kids?
It can be hard to know where to start. Sometimes you might be so worried about saying the wrong thing that you put off these conversations. But starting the kōrero about these topics is important. Remember that you don’t have to have all the answers from the get-go.
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1. Create a safe space for kōrero
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Start by thinking about how you want to talk about these topics. It can be helpful to investigate your own related feelings and values. The aim is to feel comfortable about the conversation before you begin – as your child will sense if you’re not.
Next, make sure your child feels comfortable asking questions and talking about these topics. Be emphatic and loving and show this through your body language and tone of voice.
It’s good to have short, simple conversations often. This is especially important for toddlers and preschoolers, with their short attention spans.
Show that you’re approachable and available to talk about these topics when they want.
Our parents & whānau page has other tips for talking to young people
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2. Use the right lingo
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Not sure what words to use? Worried about offending someone or getting it wrong?
Below is a quick refresher. But it’s okay not to know everything. You can always say “I’m not sure, let me find out.” It’s also helpful to show tamariki that adults don’t know everything and are learning – and making mistakes too. Just remember to follow up. If you've promised to find out something, tamariki need to see that you've done what you said you would.
Or have a look at Gender Minorities Aotearoa’s Trans 101 glossary.
You might like to introduce the idea of different pronouns as well. Simply explaining that some people use “she”, some people use “he”, and some people use “they” could be a good starting point.
Read more about why it’s important to use people’s correct pronouns.
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3. Introduce diverse people
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For tamariki to understand diversity, they need to see diverse people. This might look like meeting and interacting with people in real life – or it could be seeing or hearing about different people on screen and in books.
Reading is a great and accessible way to introduce children to different sorts of people and families – and it can normalise diversity. Here are some recommended reading lists:
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4. Talk about physical differences and identities
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From an early age, tamariki start to sort people into different categories based on what they look like – or how they behave. In traditional Western society, this might include thinking that all girls have long hair and wear skirts or dresses, only women have breasts, and so on. It could also include thinking that only certain genders like certain colours or toys.
As whānau, we can explain:
looking a certain way doesn’t always mean that that person is a specific gender
sometimes how people feel doesn’t match their bodies
some people might not feel like a boy/man or a girl/woman – or they might feel like both
your body belongs to you – and you decide what you do with it
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5. Lead by example – be open, inclusive, and willing to learn
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The best way of teaching tamariki to respect diversity is to show it. Kids model our behaviour. So if they see you interacting with diverse people with openness, respect, and a willingness to learn, they’ll do the same.
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Is it better to “frontfoot” the conversation – or wait until they ask questions?
You can either initiate conversations about different gender diversity and identity with your tamariki, or you could wait until they ask questions.
The problem with waiting until they ask questions is that your child might ask someone other than you. They could come up in other situations or with other people – and you might not be comfortable with the answers they’re given.
Waiting to have this conversation can also make it bigger – and scarier – than it needs to be. Little and often is easier for both kids and parents. Willingness to have a conversation about any topic that comes up shows your child that you’re a safe, reliable, consistent source of information. And this means that hopefully they’ll come to you for help when they need it.
Useful resources for whānau discussions about gender identity
Want more information? There are some excellent organisations and resources available to help guide your kōrero.
https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/gender-diversity-in-children-young-people
https://insideout.org.nz/for-whanau-and-allies/https://genderminorities.com/
Post by Hannah Lawrence, Communication Advisor.